Last night we had a group of mentors meet to discuss how to find mentors for the 57 children on Kids 'n Kinship's waiting list. As I looked around the room, I was struck by the fact that only 1 of the 7 mentors there was male. In fact, approximately 60% of our matched children are girls matched with women, couples, or families. In children waiting for a mentor less than a third are girls; the other 70% are boys. For years mentoring programs around the country have asked why there is this trend.
I believe it is due to multiple factors.
1)
The prevalence of boys on the waiting list for mentors. Most single parent families are headed by the children's mother, perhaps in part because custody is often awarded to moms, thus most children already have a female role model and the boys may need a male role model in their lives. Granted, all children can benefit from additional positive role models in their lives of either gender, but especially as a child approaches adolescence, it can be helpful to have a mentor of their own gender to learn from and hang out with.
2)
The absence of men who volunteer to mentor. The reasons for this are more obscure. I've heard it suggested that one of the problems is that most staff of mentoring programs are female and thus are better able to recruit women than men as mentors. Certainly I can understand that recruiters would be most likely to use language and techniques that would work to attract themselves (or people like them) to a certain volunteer role. However, there has been a lot of research out there about how to appeal to men when trying to recruit them for mentoring (see this great resource:
Men in Mentoring Toolkit from Mentor Michigan). I would think that staff could learn how and where to recruit men, so this answer alone isn't enough for me.
I've also read that women tend to respond more than men to traditional advertising for volunteer positions. What I've seen is that women often hear about an organization to volunteer with and if the mission is something they believe in and the time commitment do-able, then they go for it. They contact the organization and proceed to the next step. Men, of course, may respond the same way to an announcement about the need for mentors. But many of them don't. Resources on recruiting men (including the link above) say that men respond better to a more personal approach: someone asking them personally & directly to be a mentor to a child. This makes sense to me. I mean, who wouldn't be more likely to actually volunteer for a certain cause if they were directly asked to do so, especially by someone they know? But why would men be more likely to
need this direct approach than women?
I believe it has to do with societal influence and assumptions about mentoring. I have read that anyone talking about mentoring and trying to recruit men should be careful about what language they use. Men are more likely to be intimidated about the idea of being a "mentor" or "role model" for a child. I believe that men are often more likely to doubt how suited they are for that role. Thus, when someone (especially someone who knows them well) tells them they would make a great mentor for a child, they are encouraged are more likely to follow-through.
Research has shown that the mentors who are more successful take a more developmental rather than a prescriptive approach (see
Handbook of Youth Mentoring, page 244). Basically a prescriptive approach is focused on the mentor's goals for the youth's improvement and often involves unrealistic expectations. However, a developmental approach is focused on the building of a relationship, more realistic expectations, and the youth's own intentions for the relationship. Many mentors say they wish to mentor to "make a difference in the life of a child." While this is a worthy goal, those who focus on youth academic performance or other measurable benchmarks MORE than the relationship will actually hinder their goals and their match is more likely to end prematurely. However, mentors who focus on the youth first and building trust and having fun together are able to sustain longer-term, healthier relationships and might actually in the long run see better outcomes for the youth. So really, a good mentor is more like a friend to a child first and a role model second.
Thus, it is my belief that as a general rule men may actually be BETTER SUITED to mentor than women. In our culture, men are more often in touch with their own inner child and like to have fun. Women are often the family organizers and planners and sometimes are adult to a fault! It would be all too easy for a woman like this to be a somewhat parental or pushy, a prescriptive type mentor, even with the best of intentions. Granted, this is a gender stereotype and some women would not have this challenge and some men would. Anyone able to have fun with a child is much more likely to have a developmental approach and focus on the friendship rather than outcomes.
So the bottom line is this. If you're a mentor to a youth (whether through an organization or informally), be their friend and focus on the relationship first. By all means, be a good role model too, but don't pressure the youth too much. As in all things, balance is the key. You get to have fun like a child again and once you meet the youth there where they are at, then, and only then, you can help bring them gradually into adulthood responsibilities as they grow up through your example and your support. And for all the men out there who think you don't have what it takes, I'm telling you that you do! Please look into your local mentoring program and sign up to be a friend to a child!
