Kids ‘n Kinship is celebrating 40 years serving the community!

2012 is the 40^th year Kids ‘n Kinship has served children and families in Apple Valley, Burnsville, Eagan, Farmington, Lakeville, & Rosemount. We will be celebrating this impressive milestone for a non-profit organization with a special gala and fundraiser in September and the planning meetings have begun! Our first meeting started with the question, “how would you describe in one sentence how Kids ‘n Kinship improves the world?" Our committee had some great suggestions, referring to the importance of relationships, especially mentoring ones for the next generation, as well as connection to one’s community in mitigating the effects of our fast-paced, gadget-filled, yet lonely lifestyle. Too many children spend their time at home, alone, facing a TV or computer screen. Too many adults do too!

The power of face-to-face connection with other people cannot be forgotten! And this is what Kids ‘n Kinship does best! To a young person, having a mentor is like getting the water and sunshine needed to grow a seed into a tree. A child needs members of their family, whether biological or not, as roots, the good soil of their community and school, and people who believe in them (mentors, coaches, teachers, etc.) to provide the water and sun to encourage them. Kids ‘n Kinship mentors help our community by nurturing children, assisting those seeds’ journey as they grow into trees. Kids ‘n Kinship is about growing our community through relationships. Be a friend. Be a mentor. Go to www.kidsnkinship.org today to get started.

Spring is here: it's a great time to be a friend to a child!

With the new grass, the buds on the trees, and the year's first Daffodils, spring has arrived!  And spring is a great time of year to get started in mentoring!  Kids ‘n Kinship matches youth with adult mentors (individuals, couples, and families) for meaningful, enjoyable, and enriching in-person interactions such as planting a garden, throwing a football, taking cooking classes, or going to a museum, zoo, play, or sports event. Youth get an opportunity to go places, to try new things, to build on their interests and hobbies. They learn how to build a friendship, get help with homework, are encouraged to pursue their dreams and are given the tools and resources to make those dreams a reality. Don’t get me wrong, mentoring isn’t always easy or fun – sometimes there are tremendous challenges in building the trust and bond crucial to a successful mentoring match. Mentors must be patient and persistent. Youth have to want the mentoring relationships. Parents have to help support the relationship and keep communication lines open. But it’s so worth it. Few factors are so notable in a child’s ability to develop the resiliency needed to overcome the struggles of life as a teenager in today’s world as having an extra caring supportive adult in their life.   

Be a friend. Be a mentor. Go to www.kidsnkinship.org today to get started.

I Am A Mentor Day is TODAY!

In honor of "I am a Mentor" Day and January being National Mentoring Month, I am sharing about my own mentoring relationship.

 

The first time I met with Adrianna, the 8 year old girl I had just chosen to mentor, we watched a movie together and she played with my dog.  We shared about our common interests: our love of animals, dancing, music, & movies. Now, 3 years later, we still enjoy hanging out with my pets and watching movies, as well as going to plays and concerts.  I've been to her dance performances and to special person day at her school.  We've read together and done some fun math puzzles like sudoku.  We enjoy theater performances put on by local companies, especially those with children as the actors. We've been to several MN Twins games and one Saints game, even a Cheetah Girls concert.  We even had fun raking the leaves and jumping in the piles with my dog. While the activities have been fun, some of what I remember most is our conversations.  Like the time we talked about the upcoming presidential election and she learned that you shouldn't always believe what you hear (especially about famous people!).  Or the time she asked me whether she should be a veterinarian or a soldier.  While she has a loving mom and grandma, I know it helps her to know I care for her too and will be there for her whatever the ups and downs in her life. 

 

Would you consider becoming a friend to a child?  The children in this program, Kids 'n Kinship, are children in need of an additional positive role model.  They can be anywhere from 5-16 years old and live in Apple Valley, Burnsville, Eagan, Farmington, Lakeville or Rosemount.  Mentors meet with their mentee weekly on average for fun and enriching activities but they don't have to be a strain on your budget.  Kids 'n Kinship encourages inexpensive everyday activities and has free tickets and passes to big events like sports games, theater, & concerts as well as local museums & the zoo.  Also people worry about the time commitment, but think about the time you spend on the computer or watching TV each week.  Instead spend that time having fun with a kid, possibly doing your hobbies or just being outdoors.  Check out http://www.kidsnkinship.org/ or ask me any questions about mentoring.  There are about 50 kids waiting right now for a mentor, could it be you?

Assessing A Child's Readiness for a Mentor Guest blog by Rita

Hello all –thanks Ingrid, for letting me use some space in your blog J 

I met with representatives of mentoring programs serving Minnesota, North Dakota and Wisconsin.  Among many topics, our discussion included the question of how to tell when a child or teen is ready and able to form a meaningful mentor relationship.

It has been my experience that a child or teen who has faced violence or abuse, who has a physical or mental health diagnosis, developmental or cognitive disorder, or who has been bullied or faced lots of life changes can certainly connect with and benefit greatly from a mentor match. How the child and the child’s family have worked with the issue is important.  Timing is also important.  The issue may be current, ongoing, recent or have occurred years ago.  Sometimes it is appropriate to suggest the parent or guardian seek therapy or medical support to help their child address issues before they are ready to begin a mentor relationship.  This can be difficult because the child may really want a mentor - now.

Communication with the child and the family is critical. Listening to the family’s and child’s needs opens the door. We all have the same goal of supporting the child. As we get to know families and the child who is seeking a mentor, carefully thought out questions help us gather important information.  Learning the background and current circumstances is helpful. Traditional, information-seeking questions are great (i.e. does your child have a diagnosis, why does your child need a mentor). Asking a child what they could teach someone might reveal a lot about interests, self-esteem, and creativity. Asking a child who their friends are and what they do with their friends can let us know if they have similar-aged friends, if they make good choices in those friends, and if the activities are constructive or dangerous.  We learn if forming friendships is easy or difficult for them and if they have a few or many friends and if friends are near their home or mostly at school.  Asking about favorite activities or what they would like to learn to do, also results in useful information about that child. Kids usually love to share about themselves and the right questions can give us a good picture.

If a child is occupied by an issue in their life that has not been addressed, it may not be the time to start a new relationship.  If a family or child is not addressing physical or mental health diagnosis or other life challenges, it is difficult to get a mentor relationship started in a healthy way.  Fortunately most mentor programs are very involved in the community and can help families get connected with appropriate resources.

We know that long term mentoring is most beneficial (Child Trends, Public Private Ventures, Search Institute, and others have published support research) and a long term relationship begins with a solid foundation. This is why it is crucial that a child or teen is ready and able to form a meaningful relationship before they are matched with their mentor.

Mentors need to be ready also – but that topic is another day, another blog.

- Rita Younger, Program Coordinator - Kids 'n Kinship

Volunteer Motivation

Why do people volunteer?  When we ask our potential mentors this question, there are typically two types of responses: an altruistic desire to help others (i.e. make a difference in the life of child, support a teenager, etc.) and/or a recognition that volunteering is also good for oneself (i.e. that it feels good to volunteer and to help others, that it would get the volunteer out to do activities, meet people, etc.).  While both of these responses are accurate, apparently the reasons for volunteering affect one’s benefits from the experience.

I recently read an interesting article about volunteer motivation.  The article states that people whose volunteer motivation is more to help others than to help themselves had more benefits to their own well-being than those whose motivation was more about helping themselves.  In fact, those whose primary motivation for volunteering was that it would be helpful to their own well-being did not have any better results in well-being than those who did not volunteer at all!   

Since volunteering to be a mentor to a child is volunteering in a relationship in which the volunteer is a supportive figure to the child (and not the reverse!), it’s especially important for prospective mentors to have other social supports.  Although there are certainly benefits to mentors in terms of having fun and feeling good about themselves for helping a child, our focus is on the mentor giving of themselves and supporting the child and any benefits to the mentor would be secondary.  Mentoring is such a potentially rewarding way to volunteer since the focus is on helping others, and yet most matches have fun together and our volunteers often say they receive more than they give!  Please check out our website www.kidsnkinship.org for more information on mentoring a child today!

Where are the "men" in mentoring?

Last night we had a group of mentors meet to discuss how to find mentors for the 57 children on Kids 'n Kinship's waiting list.  As I looked around the room, I was struck by the fact that only 1 of the 7 mentors there was male.  In fact, approximately 60% of our matched children are girls matched with women, couples, or families.  In children waiting for a mentor less than a third are girls; the other 70% are boys.  For years mentoring programs around the country have asked why there is this trend.

I believe it is due to multiple factors.
1) The prevalence of boys on the waiting list for mentors. Most single parent families are headed by the children's mother, perhaps in part because custody is often awarded to moms, thus most children already have a female role model and the boys may need a male role model in their lives.  Granted, all children can benefit from additional positive role models in their lives of either gender, but especially as a child approaches adolescence, it can be helpful to have a mentor of their own gender to learn from and hang out with.

2) The absence of men who volunteer to mentor. The reasons for this are more obscure.  I've heard it suggested that one of the problems is that most staff of mentoring programs are female and thus are better able to recruit women than men as mentors.  Certainly I can understand that recruiters would be most likely to use language and techniques that would work to attract themselves (or people like them) to a certain volunteer role.  However, there has been a lot of research out there about how to appeal to men when trying to recruit them for mentoring (see this great resource: Men in Mentoring Toolkit from Mentor Michigan).  I would think that staff could learn how and where to recruit men, so this answer alone isn't enough for me.

I've also read that women tend to respond more than men to traditional advertising for volunteer positions.  What I've seen is that women often hear about an organization to volunteer with and if the mission is something they believe in and the time commitment do-able, then they go for it.  They contact the organization and proceed to the next step.  Men, of course, may respond the same way to an announcement about the need for mentors.  But many of them don't.  Resources on recruiting men (including the link above)  say that men respond better to a more personal approach: someone asking them personally & directly to be a mentor to a child.  This makes sense to me. I mean, who wouldn't be more likely to actually volunteer for a certain cause if they were directly asked to do so, especially by someone they know?  But why would men be more likely to need this direct approach than women?

I believe it has to do with societal influence and assumptions about mentoring.  I have read that anyone talking about mentoring and trying to recruit men should be careful about what language they use.  Men are more likely to be intimidated about the idea of being a "mentor" or "role model" for a child.  I believe that men are often more likely to doubt how suited they are for that role.  Thus, when someone (especially someone who knows them well) tells them they would make a great mentor for a child, they are encouraged are more likely to follow-through. 

Research has shown that the mentors who are more successful take a more developmental rather than a prescriptive approach (see Handbook of Youth Mentoring, page 244). Basically a prescriptive approach is focused on the mentor's goals for the youth's improvement and often involves unrealistic expectations.  However, a developmental approach is focused on the building of a relationship, more realistic expectations, and the youth's own intentions for the relationship.  Many mentors say they wish to mentor to "make a difference in the life of a child."  While this is a worthy goal, those who focus on youth academic performance or other measurable benchmarks MORE than the relationship will actually hinder their goals and their match is more likely to end prematurely.  However, mentors who focus on the youth first and building trust and having fun together are able to sustain longer-term, healthier relationships and might actually in the long run see better outcomes for the youth.  So really, a good mentor is more like a friend to a child first and a role model second.

Thus, it is my belief that as a general rule men may actually be BETTER SUITED to mentor than women.  In our culture, men are more often in touch with their own inner child and like to have fun.  Women are often the family organizers and planners and sometimes are adult to a fault!  It would be all too easy for a woman like this to be a somewhat parental or pushy, a prescriptive type mentor, even with the best of intentions.  Granted, this is a gender stereotype and some women would not have this challenge and some men would.  Anyone able to have fun with a child is much more likely to have a developmental approach and focus on the friendship rather than outcomes.

So the bottom line is this.  If you're a mentor to a youth (whether through an organization or informally), be their friend and focus on the relationship first.  By all means, be a good role model too, but don't pressure the youth too much.  As in all things, balance is the key.  You get to have fun like a child again and once you meet the youth there where they are at, then, and only then, you can help bring them gradually into adulthood responsibilities as they grow up through your example and your support.  And for all the men out there who think you don't have what it takes, I'm telling you that you do!  Please look into your local mentoring program and sign up to be a friend to a child!

New beginnings and cycles

Although September has just begun, I find myself here starting a blog and thus much more in a springtime state of mind.  Life really is very seasonal when you think about it and I'm not just referring to the changes in the weather.  There are also seasons of life (child, teenager, young adult, middle aged, etc.) and even seasons in relationships.  Any relationship, whether a family tie, a business connection, or the mentoring relationship between an adult and a child as in Kids 'n Kinship, has seasons and a cycle.  There are times when things are going great and maintaining the relationship, or even building it, is easy.  There are other times where things get tough.  When such obstacles occur either within or outside of the relationship, it can be difficult to persevere and continue with the relationship and it can be especially challenging to help the relationship grow and develop.


Here is a useful fact sheet from the Mentoring Resource Center which details one understanding of the cycle mentoring relationships typically go through.  Of course, each relationship like each individual is unique, but I've found it helpful to consider this framework of the life cycle of mentoring relationship as going through these 4 stages: beginning, building, testing & transitioning to closure.  Additionally, I've found that increasingly I see patterns like this in the matches I have supervised over the years. 


In the beginning of a new relationship (or any endeavor for that matter), there's awkwardness and fear of the unknown.  At first, steps may be halting and uncertain, with moments of pure inspiration and connection and other moments of misstep. Isn't this first phase like spring?  It can be relatively warm or relatively cool and there's hints of what's to come. 


But then, as you continue, you gain confidence and trust and you start to build a feeling of being in sync with this new relationship.  Continuing the weather metaphor, I call this phase summer.  Relationships are fun and time flies during this season of a relationship.


It's easy then to assume you have the other person completely figured out.  There may be some surprises as you both readjust, as you test the strength of your relationship.   Called the testing phase, I think this time resembles autumn.  As people look ahead to winter, they often re-prioritize and reconsider what's important.  This can also be a time of deepening connection.  Support from others, clear but kind boundaries, problem-solving, and communication are key to succesfully navigating this potentially confusing time.


Last of course is the season winter and the close of a relationship.  As little as we like to think of it, nothing lasts forever.  It is the nature of living things to eventually die and that, if nothing else, brings an end to all relationships.  To a certain extent, there are good endings and there are bad ones.  Good endings have a sense of closure, a chance to reflect on what was, to at least neutrally accept the end, and possibly to mourn a loss.  Bad endings are abrupt and/or hurtful and lack the acceptance and closure of good endings.  In mentoring programs, our goal is a longterm relationship as research has shown that there are greater benefits for youth.  Ultimately, we would love for all of our mentor matches to be life-long friendships between a mentor and a child.  That said, like in life, many relationships come to a close much earlier for a variety of reasons and the timing of a closure doesn't necessarily dictate the nature of it.  An ending with closure and acceptance is always our goal, whenever it comes.


And when that door closes, always there are opportunities elsewhere: roads untravelled, other relationships to form or strenthen, and adventures to go on.  So I come full circle to the topic of my new project, this blog. I am excited about my new endeavor and hope you'll join me in my musings about youth mentoring and the nature of relationships!